


shatter

by worstgirl



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Aged up characters, Angst, Crying, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jeremy needs a hug, M/M, continue with caution, fuckboy michael, hes very loosely based on the squip?, his ex is a dick, its an au i made with my friend and i might post more from it, michael’s not that bad tbh, none of its SAID but its kinda obvious, punk jeremy au, this is post school
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-09 00:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20844557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worstgirl/pseuds/worstgirl
Summary: It’s 5 o’clock in the morning, and Jeremy Heere is shattering.





	shatter

It was the memories that hurt the most. Jeremy would wake up, shaking and crying, and no matter how much Michael’s words washed over him, he felt like he was in a bubble. A swirling cloud of memories seemed to fill his brain. Everything ached, and he could feel phantom hands on his skin, caressing and hitting and scratching all at once. He couldn’t get a breath, it felt like his lungs were collapsing inwards like his brain, crumbling and shattering and dissolving into jagged shards. He was sick of it. 

He was done with this, wasn’t he? He’d moved on, he was fine, but it all kept coming back to haunt him. 

Michael’s hands were gentle when he finally touched him. Jeremy shrank into himself, like he could disappear if he curled tight enough. He could feel every bruise he’d gotten, from himself and his mother and Sean, all at once. When could he catch a break? His eyes squeezed shut.

Did he deserve this?

Not just the nightmares, but Michael’s hand, gentle on his shoulder, like he was afraid if he did too much that Jeremy would break. Jeremy felt like he could break at any moment. He’d done it before, with pills, with rope, with gravity, he could break into a million pieces with no chances of ever being glued together. 

“It’s okay, baby, you’re safe.” Michael’s voice finally cut through. It took a bit, like it was trying to slice through molasses. How could he be safe? He was never safe. It all hurt, Michael was going to turn on him, hurt him, push him to the breaking point again and again before he finally snapped. 

Michael wasn’t pushing. Actually, he pulled Jeremy a little closer. Their knees bumped against each other in the dark. It made Jeremy flinch, and Michael backed off. “Can you hear me?” 

It sounded like it was underwater, or echoing through a tunnel. Yes, Jeremy wanted to say. But the words caught in his throat, and when he tried to respond, all that came out was a choking, hacking sob. 

God, he felt useless.

Maybe he should go back to how he was. The dark clothes and the fuck off attitude, before Michael swept him off his feet, pushing everyone away. Make everyone hate you, and you can disappear without anyone needing to feel regret. That had always been his policy. But Michael was here, Michael had never hated him. Not even from the first day they met. 

He asked him, sometimes, why he didn’t hate him. 

Michael responded with something flirty at first. Something about the way he moaned out his name, or that he was so pretty under him, or some bullshit like that. Then it slowly got to be more sweet. His personality. His eyes. The way his nose twitched when he slept. His laugh. His curly hair. Finally, a year after they’d started dating, for real, no side people or friends with benefits or ignoring each other, when Jeremy was crying and asked why he didn’t hate him for the twentieth time, Michael responded with, “I can’t.” 

That didn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t Michael hate him? He wasn’t anything special. He was just traumatized, and shaky, and not all that attractive, and scarred, and, at the time, battered and bruised in more way than one. 

Jeremy was dragged back to the present with Michael’s thumb, gentle on his cheek. He’d gotten better with this whole comforting thing. Jeremy remembered the first time he’d tried, his hands awkwardly rubbing Jeremy’s back while he sobbed, mostly undressed, in Michael’s lap. He wasn’t great. But he was there, grounding Jeremy, like he was doing now, with more success. Michael’s hands were soft on his face, and Jeremy finally opened blurry eyes, blinking to see a smudge of muted brown. The weak early morning sun filtering through the window cast a kind of glow around the other boy, almost making him look ethereal. 

Michael was so different from Sean. Not just in looks— although Michael was all sunshine and tan skin and cocky grins, and Sean had been cold and pale and ruthless. No, Michael was so... new. He didn’t let himself hate the world, or at least, he didn’t let that hate consume him. He was gentle, when he needed to be, and he never raised his voice. Jeremy couldn’t thank him enough for that. 

Even more intimate things were different. With Sean, it had been ‘my way or the highway’ mentality. He didn’t seem to care if he caused him pain, if he hurt him, if he pushed him too far, to tears or screaming, or, even worse, complete silence. Michael, even from the beginning, was considerate. Well, maybe not as considerate as he should have been, but he didn’t seem to realize that Jeremy was bound to think any type of asking for consent was attractive. 

To push the memory of the roughness, the bruising hands, the coldness that was Sean, out of his head, Jeremy’s brain slipped to another memory. His breathing was steadier. Michael had told him, after a particularly bad week, that he was going to treat him. That he was going to kiss every freckle Jeremy had. Understandably, Jeremy was disbelieving, and a bit flustered, but Michael did his best. Of course, he only got a bit further below Jeremy’s hips, before getting distracted, but Jeremy had felt like he was on top of the world. Or at least content. 

“You doing okay?” Michael said, his voice low and soft. Jeremy looked up at him. Michael was a bit bleary-eyed— explainable, as it was only 5:30 am— and his hair was rumpled. Not in the sexy, purposeful fuckboy way of their high school days, but the way where his hair stuck up endearingly in little spikes. Jeremy wanted to run his hands through it.

He realized he hadn’t answered, and he nodded, still feeling a bit out of it. Then again, when didn’t he? 

“I’ll schedule an appointment with Dr. Haynes.” Michael’s hands moved to softly stroke his hair, tugging the knots out. Jeremy still hated cutting it, though he’d stopped straightening it years before. He also hated therapy, but it helped to get meds, and to talk it out, and it made Michael happy when he went. So he nodded again. 

“Good.” Michael said softly, before shifting a bit closer, opening his arms. Still not speaking, Jeremy climbed into the other boy’s lap. Almost immediately, his arms were around him, and he could feel his breath in his hair. He pushed away the guilt he felt, at Michael taking care of him like this. Michael had issues of his own, ones he didn’t talk about as much. But Jeremy didn’t push. He didn’t want to, ever again. So he only relaxed into Michael’s touch, eyes closing. 

The silence stretched on for a bit, before Jeremy finally spoke up. “Love you.” He said, his voice hoarse and raspy. Michael hummed softly. 

“Love you too.” 

Maybe shattering was not on Jeremy’s agenda.

**Author's Note:**

> this is really confusing if you don’t know the au?? but i may write more about this au if y’all want me to but. eh. 
> 
> anyways,,, for those of you that want my tangled au update: it’s coming, just slowly. i have free time today though so i can write it today!! should be up in a week or so?? not sure.
> 
> anyways, happy spoopy month (and my birthday month!!) 
> 
> stay safe, and stay wonderful, loves!!
> 
> ~ percy


End file.
